Sometimes our path of life comes to a crossroads. One direction leads in stagnation while the other leads to transformation. Over the past year, I have dealt with this fork in the road. I had become tired of being everything that I thought others wanted me to be and all the while disillusioned because I couldn't be the person that I wanted to be, that I was meant to be. So much negative has happened over the past years and I want the rest of my days to be positive, uplifting, and happy. I was having an identity crisis.
During this time of transition, I felt depression and anxiety. So much has happened; my husband's illness, my battle with a mentally ill cyber bully, college classes, and other obstacles. I began to realize that I was at my own personal crossroad with a decision to make; fight or flight! I could choose to transform into a new me or stay in the rut of an outdated sense of self. Why is change so hard? Think about it. We are an analytic society. We are scared to make a decision unless we can see the end result. I needed to decide if the risk of change outweighed the risk of standing still and stagnet. I decided that the risk of stagnation was too painful for me. I needed to begin my own transformation. I needed to quit living in the shadow and expectations of others and strike out on my own. I also needed time to grieve over the loss of identity that I was accustomed to living. I knew that I already had great skills; leadership, organization, fortitude, tenacity, excelling at teamwork, and a drive for excellence. My personal business is prospering. These were aspects I wanted to carry with me as I moved forward. Now time to look within myself to find who I really was.
Poet William Stafford wrote, "Who are you really, Wanderer"? And the answer is, "I am a queen". This brings forth new avenues of opportunity and possibilities for great transformation. I am discovering who I am and growing exponentially. I am maturing from a tight bud into a beautiful blossom.
One of the most important lessons of my transformation was the letting go. I brainstormed the parts that I needed to leave behind. I had come to terms with much of it and didn't want to bring it with me. I wrote these parts down pieces of paper and burned them. This was my celebration in letting go.
I have made new friends and opportunities. I have let go of relationships that were conditional and hypocritical. I am clearing the clutter out of the corners of my life and allowing expansion of the real and the truth. This can be a difficult process as you glean those from your life that do not hold your best interest at heart. My abilities to problem-solve, the creativity to get needs met, and expanded innate assertiveness has come to the forefront. My personal and academic goals are being met. My home has become a sanctuary and meeting place for friends and fun. I am excelling in life, love, and happiness.